


Cruel Summer

by lovelikestheresnosuchthingasabrokenheart



Series: Lover [2]
Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-12
Updated: 2019-09-21
Packaged: 2020-10-16 23:07:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20610866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovelikestheresnosuchthingasabrokenheart/pseuds/lovelikestheresnosuchthingasabrokenheart
Summary: And I don’t wanna keep secrets just to keep you





	1. Rules

**Author's Note:**

> Well I’m back with a part 2 of this series...

One week later 

“Will I get to spend any alone time with you this camp?” She whines out as we make our way through the airport holding hands, grateful that we were the only ones flying from Georgia to National Team camp. We both have on leggings, big hoodies with our hoods up over our baseball hats. We wanted no one to recognize us, even forging our recognizable back packs for simple black ones from our sponsors and wearing simple black sneakers. That’s what I thought of course until Mal is calling me and I’m answering the phone to her rambling about how could I forget she was with her boyfriend this weekend and was flying out with me and how our team admin got all of us seats together and begged Mal to sit between us to play mediator. I drop Kelley’s hand as I notice we are only five gates away and hang up the phone. 

“Rude” She crosses her arms clearly upset that she has lost physical content. 

“I forgot Mal was with Dans this weekend. That was her on the phone, she’s waiting for me at the gate. We cannot be seen getting to the gate at the same time. She’ll get all suspicious and start texting Rose who will text Sam who will text Lindsey and I haven’t even told Lindsey yet” I ramble out as the slow smile appears on her face. Seconds later she’s pulling me to the airport wall and repeatedly placing kisses on my lips. I can’t do anything but smile like a fool before she smacks my butt and walks off on her own towards the terminal. I sigh and walk up to the coffee shop, killing time before I make my gate appearance. 

5 minutes later I stand in front of the gate entrance and walk slowly as I wait for Kelley to read her text to act normal and by normal I mean act like we’re still awkward exes. It takes her a moment to shut up before her eyes travel to me and Mal notices that I’m standing pretending to look for them. 

“Sonny!” I hear Mal yell and wave before I make eye contact and make my way over, taking a seat 1 seat away from her, dumping my backpack into the empty seat. “Be chill dude, it’s a 2 hour flight to Philly. You’ll be fine” she leans over and whispers. I just nod as I go back to my phone and see a text from ‘Karen’ aka Kelley because we figured it’d be least suspicious to use each other’s moms names and a text from “Linds”. I opt for Lindsey’s first. 

“Just got to camp, we’re roomies. Hollllaaaa” the text read and I text back a quick thumbs up before typing “boarding see you soon” 

Now it was time to see what “Karen”

‘She’s gonna figure it out. How am I not supposed to look at you with heart eyes these next 2 hours, god these next 5 days of camp” her text reads out and I roll my eyes, because this is all new again and it’s the butterflies and dumb texts era and I’ve missed it but also she was ridiculous. 

“Babe, you’ve never stopped looking at me like that. Just ya know make it that sad heart eyes. You’ll be fine. Once I tell Lindsey at camp and you tell Alex it’ll be easier to hide from everyone else. Lindsey texted me and were roomies. I’m sure I can sneak ya in my room without anyone seeing. 12 am booty calls have always been a hit and Lindsey sleeps like a rock ;) ” I hit send and glance over to see her checking her phone for my reply, a small smile when she seems to begin reading it. 

“Don’t tease me” She sends back quickly and crosses her arms dramatically after putting her phone in her lap causing Mal to look at her funny. 

“Truthfully, I want another date, we only got 2” I text back. 

And it’s true, I had a week in GA but we didn’t spend every minute together like all of those romance stories want you to believe. We set boundaries, we have other responsibilities than just acting like 2 teenagers in love. We enjoyed our night together. We played with fire and pushed each other’s self control but we also cuddled and talked for hours that night. We fell asleep in her bed at 2 am and after a post mates breakfast delivery where we ate on the couch cuddled up in large blankets she drove me and dropped me off at Emma’s before we drove to my parents for a Sunday family day. I stayed at my parents until Wednesday and took my car that night to pick up Kelley for a date in the city. We went to one of my older cousins various restaurants and entered through the back door where we sat in a back secluded area away from prying eyes. When I called and made the reservations I was very clear on the people around us not knowing who we were and my cousin didn’t even bother asking who I was bringing, he was out of town anyways but promised me my privacy. Ever since the World Cup the previous summer it was hard to go anywhere in Downtown Atlanta without being recognized. Which meant that us getting back together was going to be even harder when it came to hiding out in restaurants and bars. 

That first date night on a Wednesday was nothing short of perfect. It took me back to our first months of dating, how we’d sit close in a dark candle lit corner. We were almost invisible to those around us, hidden in the dark of the restaurant but with her I’d never felt so seen and loved. I forgot how good that makes you feel. And as we sit on the plane with Mal between us, my anxiousness getting the best of me despite playing cool to Kelley... I close my eyes and go back to our date on Wednesday. I remind myself that moments like those await me in the future. I remember how she pulled my chair closer in the restaurant and how her right hand gripped onto my thigh under the table and how her left hand would caress my face whenever we leaned in for a kiss. It was so delicate. We stayed at the restaurant for hours and snuck out of the back minutes before they turned the lights on and shut down for the night. We got into the car and this time I got to place my hand on her thigh, smiling as she placed her hand over mine and squeezed it gently. The smile plaster on her face was a picture I always wanted in my mind. We spent 20 minutes kissing in my car before I finally dragged her out and said goodnight because no matter how much I wanted it, boundaries were discussed for a reason. 

An hour into the plane ride I feel someone tap me causing my eyes to open as I take out my AirPods and see a smiling Kelley in the aisles Mal is lightly snoring with her eye mask on and noise canceling headphones on, leave it to her to be so dramatic for a 2 hour flight north. 

“Hey cutie” Kelley tries to whisper to me but I can only read her lips as the sound of the engine makes it hard to hear. She looks back at Mal once more before she turns around and leaves a soft kiss on my lips. “Thank god for first class and front row seats.” She says louder this time right into my ear, clearly happy that she was able to leave her seat without Mal knowing. 

“You’re playing a very dangerous game” I say back as I stick my neck out to look around before inviting her to sit in the empty seat next to me. “What if she wakes up?” 

“Would Mal knowing really be the worst thing in the world?” She leans in and kisses my cheek before leaning her head onto my shoulder and interlocking our arms. “The plane WiFi is broken, we could get to her before we got on the ground with cell service!” She tried to bargain but I shook my head. Rules. Some weren’t meant to be broken. I also didn’t want to risk Lindsey murdering me. 

40 minutes later she’s sleeping on my shoulder as I see the flight attendant walk to the intercom about to make an announcement about landing. Mal is still dead to the world so I turn and kiss Kelley’s forehead. 

“Wake up baby, you gotta go back your seat. We’re getting ready to land.” And of course she looks up at me with sleepy eyes and shakes her head with the most adorable pout. 

I give her the 5 minutes it takes the airline attendants to walk through our area and collect trash before I’m placing a kiss on her lips and demanding she go sit down and wake up Mal. She isn’t happy about it, but again... rules.

As we wait at baggage claim I hear a screech come out of Kelley’s mouth causing me to turn around and find Alex trotting this way. Kelley is jumping up and down like a child with her arms open, excited to see one of her best friends. 

“Thank god. I felt like a child or divorce” Mal huffs out as she helps me grab our bags before they pass us. This is going to be a long 5 days. Stupid Rules


	2. Good Woman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'll hold your hand when the storm's at the door  
'Cause you got my back and I got yours  
You've got good love, a good woman  
Yeah, you've got good love, a good woman

“You look rather relaxed and happy despite spending the past few hours with your ex” Alex whispers as she hugs me right, she pulls back with a look of shock but satisfaction. 

“This must mean you’re over her and have moved on and I need details!” She loudly whispers, her eyes moving past my shoulders to see that Sonnett and Mal were occupied with luggage duties. 

“I will tell you all about it once we’re alone.” And she squeals but I just shake my head. 

“We should go get brunch! I’ll text Al. She’s my roomie this camp” and I groan. 

“Can it be just us?” I beg in a whisper. “Al has a blabber mouth and I’m just not ready for her to tell Tobin who will tell Christen” 

“Fine.” She smiles as she slides her sunglasses on and marches towards where our joint ride is awaiting us. I catch a glimpse of Emily as she loads the suitcases with Mal. This is going to be a rough 5 days. 

“So?” Alex bumps into my shoulder as we walk to the coffee shop, eager for details. 

“Em and I got back together” I smile and damn it’s hard to make Alex Morgan speechless but I think I’ve finally done it. She’s sliding her sunglasses on her head and stopping in her tracks. 

“I—“ she takes a second to think. “I need every detail” she slides her sunglasses on and links our arms, hurrying me along to the coffee shop. I can only hope that this is going just as well with Lindsey and Em. 

“Wait so how’d she take it?” The text from Emily reads as I sit on my bed, Mal on her bed and lost in her own world. 

“She’s very happy for us, called us dumbasses and promised to keep our secrets. ;)” 

It’s been 3 days of camp with no alone time with Emily. I remember this from the first time we dated but somehow this time is harder, fear creeping in that it’ll pull us apart instead of closer together. This time around everything seemed so delicate, and I was scared to death of fucking it up. It’d been a little over week since we decided to try again and as badly as I wanted to be needy and demanding with her, I reminded myself that holding onto her with a death grip is part of what didn’t work last time, so I’m learning to give her space and independence.

As I ride in the van with Alex to a suburb of Philly for dinner at her friends restaurant I think of how much I’d love to be on another date with Emily and I think about our second date, the one that was my turn to plan. I wore her favorite outfit: ripped black jeans, a white lace crop top with a leather jacket, my hair up in a perfect bun and her favorite hoop earrings, my black booties that made me the same height. When I showed up at Emma’s apartment to find Emily in blue ripped jeans, a black crop top, Jean jacket and slip ons I just about died because her outfit was simple but it looked so perfect on her. 

With the help of my sister I had secured a private suite at the intimate concert venue in downtown ATL for a Maren Morris show, a country artist Em always loved. So when I snuck us into the back of the venue and up to our red candle lit suite with bottles of champagne, she looked at me like I had hung the moon and stars. 

“To new beginnings and our never ending journey” I toasted before leaving a kiss on her lips as we awaited the show beginning. I’ll never forget how I spent the night standing up against the balcony of our suite as she stood behind me and held on tight. When a song she loved would come on she’d sing along right in my ear and leave kisses on my cheek. I turned around when “the bones” played and gave her a long kiss during the chorus, knowing that song described us so well. And when “Good Woman” came on she turned me around once more and sang to me with kisses in between. The song promising that she was always going to stay, that I had her love, how she’d hold me together when I fell apart. It was during this song that she finally whispered “I love you”. Sure she said it when she confessed to wanting me back but she hadn’t said it back and I know how much it took for her to say those words but I wasn’t ready yet, so I kissed her instead and hoped she understood. She did because she’s a good woman. 

“Seriously Al? We’ve been in the car for 20 mins. Why couldn’t we go to a restaurant by the hotel? There’s like 50” I complain as we drive through the very tight streets of Manayunk.

“I’m just looking for parking! We’re going right there” she points to the restaurant across the street as she pulls up and puts her blinkers on. “Can you go get us a table? It looks a little busy and I’m just gonna go park on a side street” 

“Fine” I quickly get out of the car and head towards the restaurant, once I open the door I realize how busy it is and grown at how it seems to have a total of 10 tables. 

“Table for 2” I tell the hostess and surprisingly she’s directing me to the back of the restaurant and up a flight of stares that leads to a slightly bigger seating area. As she leads me to the back corner of the seating area my heart skips at the site of my favorite person who is smiling like a fool as I approach. It takes everything in me not to squeak and make others turn their attention to us. 

I take a seat at the table angled in the corner and immediately move my seat closer to her. 

“Hello my love” she whispers before leaning in to kiss. 

“How’d you pull this off?” She places her arm around my chair and my hand finds its favorite spot on her thigh. This made the 3 day wait worth it. 

“Had Lindsey ride with me and had Alex bring you... then they’re getting dinner together and we shall all meet up later. Everyone just thinks we’re with our best friends.” She leans in for another kiss and I swear I could kiss her all night and not even worry about eating. It’s like I’ve been starved for 3 days. 

“I don’t even want to know what you had to promise for them to agree to this” I let out a laugh but she shakes her head. 

“They wanted to, I told them I had an idea and they were all for it. They know how important this is. This is the only alone time we’re gonna have since we don’t see each other for 3 weeks. Did you really think I’d go all camp without finding out a way to take you out?” 

And damn she’s a good woman. 

“You are so good to me” I lean over and get one more kiss before the waitress approaches and takes our orders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These first 2 chapters are a bit of fluff but drama to come


	3. I cried like a baby coming home from the bar

3 weeks feels like an eternity and yet I’m sitting here in my car around the corner of the hotel in the dark of night waiting for her to sneak out so that I can see her for just a short time. She had managed to meet Tobin for dinner but we both agreed that Portland in daylight was certain to end in being recognized. So here I am, looking at every person who passes my car on the street hoping it’s her. When I spot that messy bun and the way that only she walks I hop out of the car and over to the passenger door in anticipation. I can see her smile widening the closer she gets and all of a sudden she’s sprinting and I’m bracing for impact as our bodies meet and her legs wrap around my waste. 

“Hi baby” I kiss her lips, overjoyed to have her in my arms even if it’s only for a little while. 

“Hey there” she jumps down and leans into me, pushing me to lean my back on the car. 

“What’s the plan? Do you wanna go to my apartment for a little?” but she’s shaking her head into my chest and I take a deep breath before placing my lips to her.

“have to be inside in 5, Coach planned a game night and I’m on her team.” I hate this, I hate the disappointment in her voice, I hate how I have to swallow to not let the disappointment show in my voice. 

“Well I’m just glad I get to hold you even if it’s for a couple of minutes” I hold her tighter. “But since you have a bye this next weekend and I don’t have practice on Monday, I’ve got a surprise for you” I spring on her, we had planned to spend the few days cooped up in my apartment but that’s not healthy for a relationship that already does enough hiding. 

“Oh yea?” She pulls back and smiles. 

“Yup. But you have to wait to Sunday” I plan on whisking her away to the Columbia River Gorge, it’s only 30 minutes from Portland but the cabin is secluded in the woods and I couldn’t be more excited to just relax. 

Game day

“Son, you’ve gotta come out for one beer. If you don’t everyone is going to get suspicious when you’re both missing. I’ll create a diversion and you both can sneak out” Lindsey whispered as we both finished tying our boots for the match against Atlanta. I take my phone out and quickly text Kelley the plan, already imagining the eye roll she’s going to do when she reads. 

“She’s going to be pissed but you know rules” I laugh out before we head the field for warm ups. 

The second I’m on the field I can already feel her stare and that stupid look on her face she gets when she’s trying not to smile like a fool and by stupid I mean the incredibly irresistibly cute look. That’s my girl. 

“Son, what’s up!” I hear Moe yell towards me as the Atlanta players make their way into the bar and fill up the space as they all mingle with my teammates. I can see Kelley at the bar with Tobin doing her best not to look annoyed and miserable but Christen has a bye week and is clinging to Tobins side and I know she’s jealous that I’m not right there with her. 

“Hey you!” I hear a familiar voice and turn around to find the Thorns trainer I had a history of bad flirting with. She grabs me for a hug and lightly kisses my cheek. I can feel Kelley’s stare burning into the back of my head. This was going to be a long night. 

“Sup!” I play off cool but actually that was lame because it was awkward and the trainer just laughed before walking away to mingle. Dodged that bullet. It’s not long before I’m 2 shots deep without even realizing it, Caitlin and Keli being the biggest culprits. This time when the trainer comes back, I let her put her arm around my waist and flirt with me because I’m so lost in the conversations with my teammates that everything else is drowned out, including the woman on my side. Moments later we’re all dancing in a group and I’m suddenly losing track of time and am def past my one drink limit I promised Kelley 

This is how I’ve always been, the big flirt and a little wild one in the group and maybe it’s a reason why Kelley held onto me with such a death grip. Before I even know what’s happening the trainers arms are around my neck and her lips are meeting mine, it takes a moment for me to gently push her off and get myself back together. 

It’s not until I hear Lindsey yelling my name that I see Kelley storming out of the bar with Tobin and Christen in toe. I curse to myself   
as the trainer apologizes for her abrupt kiss and how she read the situation wrong but I’m wishing she would shut up so I can say my peace and leave. 

“You’re great, really I just...” I rub the back of my neck. “I’m just— tonight wasn’t the night” and she apologizes once more before I’m running out of the bar just in time to see Kelley driving away in Tobins car. 

“Mother fucker” I yell as Lindsey finds me. My heart is pounding and I almost feel like I can’t breath. 

“Good job moron” Lindsey pats my shoulder. “She was crying like crazy the second she got outside, Tobin said she was gonna kill you” 

“Should I Uber to the hotel? Is that where she’s going? Or is she going to Tobins?” I ask as the phone is pushed to my ear as I try to call her but it goes straight to voicemail. 

“Probably Tobins.” And thank god for Lindsey who is already calling an Uber back to her place since she lives in the same condo I call Christens phone, hoping she would be the nicest of the 3 in that car but she also sends me right to voicemail. 

“Emily” Christen shakes her head as she opens the condo door, the disappoint in her face says it all. I push past her with Lindsey following behind to find Kelley curled up on the sofa with her knees to her chest, her eyes red from crying and a bottle of vodka up to her lips. 

Fuck

“Baby, come with me. Please.” I reach my hand out and she reluctantly takes it to stand up as everyone looks on, she glances to Tobin for approval and takes another swig of vodka before slamming it down on the coffee table. 

“I’ll take you guys“ Tobin offers as I take out my phone and to call an Uber and Kelley stumbles towards where her things are at the door. 

“She did like 3 shots at the bar and god knows how many with that bottle of vodka. Just be careful” Christen gives me a quick hug before I proceed to the entrance. Kelley is refusing to look at me and she stands on the other side of the elevator with Tobin in between us. 

It’s not until we’re in the back of the car that I try to touch her again, reaching for her hand but she pulls away instantly and starts crying. 

“Your rules are stupid” She all but sobs out, and I make eye contact with Tobin in the rear view mirror and surprisingly Tobin doesn’t look angry, she looks like she knows what this is like and her face gives me comfort. 

“Baby, I’m so sorry. It shouldn’t have gotten that far” I take my seatbelt off and move to the center, trying to hold her. 

“I’m fine” she cries out again, still pushing me away. “Tobin take me to the hotel” 

“No Kell, you already left. If you go back everyone’s gonna be suspicious” Tobin reminds her as she pulls up in front of my apartment building. 

“I don’t give a fuck. If we had just fucking told everyone in the fucking first place Emily wouldn’t have been making out with that trainer in front of me!” She yells as she stumbles out of the car and Tobin grabs onto her while I gather our things to head inside. 

“She’s really drunk” Tobin whispers as Kelley all but falls asleep leaning against Tobin in the elevator. “We tried to take the bottle from her but she threatened to scream” 

God bless Tobin who gets Kelley safely into my apartment and onto the bed on her stomach as I bring her things inside. 

10 minutes later I see Kelley passed out and if I’m being honest, I’m glad. This is a conversation for when we’re sober, so I grab a blanket and head towards the couch. 

I don’t wanna keep secrets just to keep you... 

It’s barely 7 am when I wake up to the sound of someone moving about the kitchen. I take a few moments to let me eyes adjust before I pull myself of the couch and towards the kitchen. She’s sitting at my table with a Gatorade in hand, refusing to make eye contact with me. 

3 weeks of not being alone and when we finally are she’s not even speaking to me and I hate this. I hate this rule. I hate this secret. 

“What was I supposed to do!?” I take a seat across from her at the table. “I didn’t know she was going to kiss me and if I did I wouldn’t have let her get anywhere close to me” 

“Not flirt and dance with a woman who’s hitting on you in front of your girlfriend!” She raised her voice and slammed the Gatorade down on the table in frustration. It was too early for all of this and my head was pounding.

“Please Kel, I’m sorry. I just want to spend time together and enjoy these few hours. I don’t want to fight. I’m sorry, there’s nothing more that I wanted to do than kiss you and dance with you. I hate keeping this a secret” I pleaded as I reached my hands across the table in an attempt to hold hers. It didn’t work. 

“So you replace me instead? You pick someone else to do that with. Keep me a secret and cover it up by flirting with other women. Oh my god” she slaps a hand onto her forehead in a dramatic fashion. “Have you been doing this the whole month we’ve been together?” 

“No!” I role my eyes but she’s not taking it as she stands up and paces back and forth. “Babe, please sit down” but she doesn’t so I stand up and pick her up, her arms flailing like a child who refuses to listen. It’s not until we’re in my bedroom that I throw her onto the bed and pounce on top. 

“Get off of me!” And now she’s in tears and my heart is breaking at how I hurt her. 

“Baby, look at me” I plead as I hang over her. “I would never cheat on you and I have not been flirting with people for the past month. You know I don’t even go out. I stay home and FaceTime you. You are my whole world” I lean down and kiss her forehead but the tears are now falling down her face and I can’t control the tears forming in my eyes. 

“You kissed another woman” she sobs out. “That broke my heart.” 

“I didn’t know she was going to do it. Please forgive me, you are the only person who I want to kiss.” And so I lean down and place a kiss to her lips, it takes her a second but she finally gives in and kisses me back. When I pull pack I fall to the side and prop myself up on my elbow, my other hand caressing her face. “Hey, you know I love you right?” And she nods as she tries to slow her breathing and stop the tears. 

My heart is breaking too, because it’s been a month and she still hasn’t felt safe enough to let herself mutter those 3 words to me. We’ve taken so many steps towards and this just feels like 10 steps back and it’s all my fault. 

“I’m so sorry I betrayed your trust.” I whisper as my tears fall and now she’s propping herself up as I lay flat to look at me. I don’t want to turn this into her feeling sorry for me. I did this all to myself. 

“I—I...” She stutters out and my heart beats at the anticipation.


	4. Love you too late

And I’m too afraid to say it so I settle for “I-I forgive you” and I can see the hope leave her face but she’s quick to fix it with a lazy smile as she pulls me fully on top of her, my head resting on her chest, her arms holding me tight and her lips on my forehead. Last night hurt but there’s no place in the world I’d rather be then right here. Through the good and the bad, I want to stay. 

“So I have to run to do recovery, it’s only an hour and when I get back we can leave for your surprise.” She kisses my forehead once more and I’m looking up at her. “If you want, you can come do recovery with me. It’s only for people who played 75 mins or more and it’s run by Crystals husband.” And I love her for trying to give an inch into the rule. “You can go as Tobins guest since Chris didn’t play” but something’s for now, are better left a secret between us and a few close friends. 

“I love that you’re offering but I’m going to shower and do some yoga here by time you’re back I’ll be ready to go” I reach up and kiss her lips before rolling off of her and jumping up from the bed. I jolt forward at the smack of my butt. 

“I hate when you leave but I love to watch you go” and she lays on the bed with her hands behind her head like some kind of frat boy. I roll my eyes and leave the room. At least things can be normal for now. 

“Where are we going? Where are we going?” I ask excitedly as she buckled her seat belt and turns the car on. I FaceTimed Chris and Lindsey who both refused to tell me, Tobin didn’t even answer my FaceTime. I was impatient and I hated surprises. 

“To the great outdoors!” And I widen my eyes, I did not pack for camping. 

“Is that why I couldn’t see the trunk? Is it filled with Tobins camping gear?” I ask cautiously, not wanting to upset her. 

“No honey, I know you better than that. I got us a secluded airbnb by the gorge. Hot tub, woods, a whole house for you to scream my name as loud as you want” And now she’s full on smirking as she pulls onto the road, my baby does know me. 

“A full house for me to be naked in, you know I like being naked” I wink and I see her hands tense up on the steering wheel. 

“Good thing it’s only 35 minute drive, you’re getting naked the second we get in there” she’s laughing and it’s exciting and it feels brand new... because I haven’t seen her body like that in 7 months and it’s been something I’ve been craving. 

“Only if you’re naked to” I wrap my hand around hers as it stays on the gear shift. 

“Do you even know me? I love being nude” and if I could make her pull the car over and wipe that smirk off her face with a thousand kisses I would. 

“Promise me, we’ll always be like this.” She whispers as we lay cuddled up on the couch. We’re naked and sweaty and it’s all gross but it’s so comfortable and there’s no place I’d rather be than right here with my head on her chest, her arms around my naked body. The intimacy something I’ve been craving for months now. 

“Naked and sticky?” I whisper back as I chuckle and she reaches down to smack my ass. 

“Not like that.” And even though I can’t see it, I’m sure she’s rolling her eyes. “That we’ll always find time for just us, alone and happy and naked and so in love.” And my heart aches at how badly I can tell she wants that last part, the way her voice cracks as she says it. 

“Promise.” I reach up and kiss her lips, hoping she knows how in love I am with her despite not being able to say it just yet. 

And I don’t know how it all goes so wrong 24 hours later. She’s screaming so loud I’m almost certain the house 3 miles down the road could hear her through the woods. And she’s angry, she’s hurt and I’m breaking her heart wit every answer I give and I swear it’s breaking me to 

“You said when we got back together you wanted a future! That was one of the fucking rules. You’ve always said you wanted kids and marriage. ” she screams again from the kitchen as I sit at the table. I lied, I know how it all went wrong. 

Sitting outside with our morning coffee, listening to the birds chirp, she told me could imagine our kids playing in the yard while we sat on the porch in the morning. When I just nodded my head, she began to question me and every answer I gave since then wasn’t good enough. My brain is clouded, the tables have turned and I can’t think because now she’s the one screaming about a future that I promised her so long ago but haven’t agreed to give her again. 

“That was before you left me” I accidentally let slip out of my mouth and immediately sink in my chair because I just broke another rule. I threw the past in her face and I hate myself for it but sometimes it’s easier to keep my guard up than to let her see me feel. 

“Is this why you haven’t told me you love me? Is this some sick, karma where it’s your turn to hurt me” She screams a foot away from me and I just stare at her, mind blank. Emily stares me down for a good 30 seconds before she’s out the back door, slamming it behind her. 

“Alex, I fucked way up” and I haven’t started crying because I’m so shocked with myself.

“Ugh” Alex groans before I begin telling her everything and she has only the best advice. “She is willing to give you the world and you won’t even give her an inch. Either let her in or live your life alone. That’s your soulmate, so tell her you love her because you do and enjoy your last few hours together” and she’s right, she’s so right but maybe I’m not as ready as I thought I was. 

“I don’t want to fight” she comes back into the house saying and walks over to where I’m sitting at the kitchen table. “I don’t get a lot of time with you and I just want to enjoy it” and she looks emotionally exhausted and all I can do is nod and pull her down to kiss me. 

And a month later when she’s bringing it up again I’m staring her in the face and this time I have no answers and I wonder to myself if this was going to be my biggest regret. She’s holding the keys to her car tightly in her hand as the tears fill her eyes. We’re supposed to be leaving for camp, we’re supposed to be telling our teammates that we are back together as Olympic training kicks off but she ends that plan. She tells me that if I can’t tell her I love her, that if I can’t tell her I want a future than she’s done. How did the tables turn, how are we here again? Didn’t she promise to never leave me? Didn’t she promise to love me hand through the good and the bad? 

“I love you” She finally whispers out again and kisses my forehead before walking out of the door and this time hurts more than the last. 

And then I remember that I broke the most important rules, the most important promises. 

“Number 1, if we’re getting back together it has to be because we see a future because Kelley, I want to marry you and I want to have babies and adopt babies and I want all of the dogs you’ll let me have” I remember her saying 

“Number 2, we don’t throw the past in each others faces. It has to be let go. We’ll never survive.” I said and broke my damn self. 

I broke the first two rules of us getting back together and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for this some sick twisted way that I guard myself and hurt her like she hurt me. I hate that my wall says “it’s karma” but I heart says “I’d never want her to feel like I did because I love her too much” 

And I love her, I love her so much and why the fuck couldn’t I say that 10 minutes ago when she was standing in front of me. I grab my phone from the counter and try to save face but her phone is sending me directly to voicemail and all I can imagine is her blasting music as she drives on the highway, absolutely heart broken.

And I fear that it’s too late, that it shouldn’t take her leaving me for me to say I love you.

I can’t take back what I never said but if I could, damn I would.


	5. Lists

I take my time putting the luggage in my car and I take my time walking to the coffee shop down the street because right now I need a moment. I need a moment to remember that she’s worth fighting for, that I promised to stay through hell and heaven. 

And as I’m sitting at the coffee shop my mind goes back to our first real interaction that took place in an open bar on the boardwalk of a jersey beach. It was my last game of my rookie year and 2 days before my first call up to the National Team. 

I remember watching from across the bar as she laughed with Tobin, waiting for a moment when she was alone. I had planned this so deliberately, how I’d walk up and smooth talk her, how I’d promise just to have her for the night. 22 year old me had no idea that she would mean so much to me 5 years later. To me, she was another target on my list of women I wanted to get with in the league, still privy to my frat boy days and she was the top of my list. Nothing but a hook up target until she locked eyes with me and I knew I was fucked. 

I watched as she walked up to the bar by herself getting another drink and excused myself from the group. I slid up next to her and ordered another beer along side her. 

“Hello” I turn to the side and leaned an arm on the bar as I put the fresh beer to my lips. Her eyebrow is cocked as she turns toward me, her face unsure of what to do. She later tells me her brain was stuck half way between wanting to jump me and thinking I was a fan girl. “Emily” I offer her my hand. 

“Kel-“ She gets out before I interrupt her. 

“I know your name, I bet everyone in here knows your name” and I’m winking and she’s laughing and looking around for Tobin to save her. I turn to the bartender and order two Vegas bomb shots.

“You trying to get me drunk?” She cocks her eyebrow with an even cockier smile and I can’t help but let out a little laugh as I’m shoving the drink into her hand. 

“Just trying to make sure you have a great Saturday night Kelley” and the words come so smooth off my lips I swear I can see the goosebumps appear on her arms because she’s definitely slightly blushing. 

“Okay Emily” And shes looking at me curious and the amount of different facial expressions I’ve gotten in the past 5 minutes is giving me whiplash. “I thought you went by Sonnett” 

“I do but I let the pretty ladies call me Emily” and I’m definitely hinting to her that I’m into women and she’s clearly noticing because she’s looking me up and down, judging for herself if I’m worth the next phrase that comes out of her mouth. 

“The pretty ladies? Or just the ones you’re trying to sleep with?” And damn she got me on that one but I play it cool. I give her a wink and lean in to get close to her ear. 

“Only if you’re lucky. See ya around Miss Kelley.” and I’m walking away as Tobin is making her way over and something about the look on Tobins face has me looking back to see Kelley with her mouth agape staring at me. 

20 minutes or so later she’s tapping me on the shoulder and her eyes looked like they were on fire, like they were undressing me at that very moment and she dragged me by my hand out of the bar and down the street to her beach house and I was in way over my head and when I woke up next to her the next morning, our bare bodies stuck together I knew I was fucked. 

“Emily” she whispered as she laid kisses on my neck and down my chest and on my stomach and she went further and disappeared below the covers and it’s probably 6 am but that’s didn’t stop her from giving me a morning wake up call and again I knew I was fucked. 

I didn’t know I was fucked because the sex was great or because the way she did that thing with her tongue drove me crazy. No, I knew I was fucked because for the first time since my college relationship ended 2 years ago, I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to stay in bed with her all day, I wanted to order breakfast and watch Netflix. I wanted so much more. It’s crazy to fall for someone you just met, but with Kelley she had me the second we locked eyes. 

I remember as I was leaving that morning, how she tugged on my hand to stop me before I walked out to the taxi.

“Don’t cross my name off, circle it. This was good” and she’s kissing me and I was fucked. 

“Now Miss Kelley, I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about” I played dumb with a smirk on my face. 

“Oh silly Emily, Tobin told me everything and I just figured that it was such an honor that you would put me at number 1 and plan this that it’d be a shame to not help you out, make it easier on you to complete your list.” And she’s speaking just above a whisper and my face is burning red. 

“Oh, thank you?” And she laughed. 

“But if you wanna circle my name and keep coming back for more instead of making a new list, that’d be fun. I can think of so many other lists we can make... positions, toys, locations.” And I couldn’t tell if she was serious or fucking with me but the taxi driver was honking and I had to go so I did. I walked out without a final word and that set Kelley on her own mission. 

Sure, it’s been far from perfect and I haven’t always known what I wanted from all of this but I’ve always known that I didn’t want it to ever go away. I’ve walked away, she’s walked away and every time we’ve come back together. 5 years and we’re still here and I’m not done, I’m not leaving. 

So I finish my coffee and make my way back towards the condo because I just needed a moment, I just needed to remember why I’m always going to fight, why I’ve always loved her. 

She’s crazy and insanely beautiful and maddening and stubborn but she’s mine. So I’ll take a moment before I go and apologize for saying I was done, and I’ll make sure she knows how much I love her. 

20 minutes later I finally make my way into the building and back up to her condo, I almost drop the coffee in my hands when I walk in to find her sobbing on the couch. 

“Babe.” I place the coffees down on the coffee table before I sit on the couch and grab her into my arms, hoping to soothe her breathing but she’s crying even heavier. 

“I-I thought-thought you left me” She cries out and I kiss her forehead. 

“I put the luggage in the car and went to get coffee for us. I just needed a moment.” I pull back to look at her face, to look into her eyes and let her know one thing. “I’ll never walk away forever. I promise” and she’s crying even harder. 

“I’m sorry” she cries out again. “I’m trying, I promise I’m trying” 

And I know she is, and it’s hard and I get frustrated and sometimes I’d give anything to go back to the simple days. 

“We’ve gotta get on the road to the airport. Our flight leaves in 2 hours” and I’m picking her up off the couch as she’s wiping her tears. I take a deep breath before letting go and heading into the bedroom to get her things.

And although we barely speak in the car and on the plane, I still want every moment like this. I want the good and the bad moments. 

I don’t have a list of women to sleep with anymore and we’ve long completed the other lists Kelley suggested but what I do have is a list of ways to show her I love her. 

1\. Have a family   
2\. Marry her  
3\. Propose  
4\. Come out to the world  
5\. Come out to the team


	6. The Bones

Camp is the last place in the world I want to be, I want to be back in my apartment and cuddled up in my bed. I don’t want to force a smile, I don’t want to hide my relationship from people, I simply don’t want to be here right now. 

But it’s important, it’s our send off camp before we get a week back home and then we’re off to the Olympics for a month. Maybe I’d be more keen to it all if she would just look me in the eyes, if she’d have a conversation with me. We’re lucky enough to have our own rooms this camp and when I ask her to sleep with me, she tells me she’ll be back and disappears with her friends and I duck into my room alone for the night. She never does come back. 

I’m walking as slowly to breakfast as I can because I don’t want to see her and I don’t want to face the questioning eyes from Alex, Tobin, Lindsey and Christen as to why we haven’t announced our relationship. I don’t want to answer their questions so I put my hood up and do my best to look unapproachable. 

I take a seat at an empty table with my eyes looking down at my food and only look up when I feel someone next to me. It’s her. 

“Hey baby, I fell asleep in Roses room.” And her eyes are full of sorry and I’m just nodding, wondering why she’s engaging with me around everyone. 

“Okay?” And I can feel so many eyes on us, all full of curiosity. This isn’t the time or place so I take my plate and get up, deciding to take it to my room and eat alone. 

“What the hell” I can hear Alex say and I’m sure she’s marching up to Emily looking for an explanation of my behavior. 

I just want camp to be over with. I spend the next 4 days pushing her away and not giving an inch and it’s my self defense mechanism. She told she’d never leave me for good but she’s already left me so many times, I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want to be together and break up and get back to together. It’s a freaking carousel that never stops turning. I want her to prove she’s always gonna stay, that she’s not going to threaten to leave when it gets hard. 

“Hey” shes pulling on my hand in the locker room before we go out and interlacing our fingers. “I love you” and she’s kissing my cheek as whistles fill the room and this is a hell of a time to pick to come out. 

“What are you doing?” I try to gage her facial expression but she’s only smiling. 

“I want you to know I’m here if we win or if we lose. So I’m choosing now, I’m choosing before we start this game, before we fight for another medal. I want it all. Now get out there with me and let’s kick ass” and she’s slapping my ass lightly before jogging out to the tunnel with Lindsey and I’m smiling like a fool. 

I treated her like shit all camp but here she was proving again that she wanted it all. We play 90 minutes by each other’s side and it’s the greatest I’ve felt in a long time. My ankle doesn’t hurt, my slide tackles were perfection (that yellow card was bullshit), we won and Emily is walking with her arm around my shoulder making me laugh as we make our way around the stadium to thank the fans. 

“Happy looks so good on you both” Alex chimes in as she catches up with us and pushes herself between us and links all of our arms together. Our constant third wheel and our constant double date partner when Serva is around. I’m so thankful for her, I’m so thankful for it all. 

And later that night she’s finally crawling into my bed and despite being exhausted from the game, my skin feels on fire as hers is finally flushed against mine. She picks up her phone and hits play, music playing out of the small Bluetooth on the dresser. 

The Bones by Marren Morris is playing and I can feel tears in my eyes.

_ We’re in the home stretch of hard time _

_ We took a hard left but we’re all right _

_ Life sure can try to put love through it but we built this right so nothings ever gonna move it. _

“I love you” I finally whisper and now the tears are forming in her eyes. “I love you so much” I say louder before she’s connecting our lips. 

_The house don't fall when the bones are good_


End file.
